Young people who are thinking of marriage often ask me questions related to that subject and more often than not they seem to be either surprised or disappointed with my answers. Equally surprised are some people who have been in married longer than me who come with beaming smiles to me asking about my married life vs. my previous single life.
I have often said to the young people who come to me with their questions about marriage that I am probably the wrong person to approach because I have only been married for five years as compared to a single life till the age of thirty nine. The implication is that I probably know more about single life than I know about marriage. And to my married friends I usually say that I am yet to find my married life to be more than or as fulfilling as my single life was.
Some people find the preceding response so shocking that they imagine I am contemplating divorce. Far from it; I treasure my marriage as much as I am being sincere about my experience so far. I was as happy as I could be when I was single and I was rather disappointed with some married people who either despised me or thought I was abnormal being single close to forty. Some thought I was merely pretending to be happy, while others said that I was simply mean.
I remember a lady saying to me that I needed to live a full life. Her perception of a full life is that one needed to be married. Another lady that I met on a visit to a clinic asked me in a conversation if I was married and when I said I was single she said, “Why are you selfish, you need to share your life with someone.”
Well to myself, I was living a full life that I was enjoying and sharing with other people. My house was full of children, relatives and friends and I was not grumbling.
I remember at one time back in 1998 when I was living with my nephew Shadrach, a primary schoolboy and we had a lovely playful dog called Spunky and beautiful named Snoopy, a colleague remarked: ”How can a man be happy with just a dog, a cat and a ball?”
I used to leave for home after work on Saturday morning with such haste and enthusiasm that some of my colleagues my section used to wonder what exciting thing I often looked forward to on weekends. My answer was simple: I am going home to spend time with my nephew and cat, play ball and jog with my dog. And that made my day. Meanwhile the colleagues that had this particular interest in my life went off on drinking and pork eating spree on weekends often in the company of the lady folk.
It was after a weekend visit by my colleagues to my bedsitter in a suburb of Kampala that one of them made that remark about happiness and dog, cat and ball that has since then stuck to my memory. It was encouraging to realize from friends and colleagues that the joy and contentment that I experienced each day was evident despite my humble existence and the fact that I was single in my late thirties.
I have met people who associate happiness with having abundance of materials things, lots of money, a good job or a spouse. Well, we would all be better off having much of what the world has to offer but what if these things do not come our way, shall we forever be miserable?
I lost my “big job” more than eight months ago but I am still living a happy life despite the challenges and disappointments that I have continually faced. I remember a lady saying to me more than three years ago that I was happy because I had a big job and a car. that I have continually faced. I remember a lady saying to me more than three years ago that I was happy because I had a big job and a car. Yes indeed the “big job” and the car afforded me a modest life but my joy was not dependent on them rather my attitudes and what is to be found in the heart because it preceded the material things that the job brought into my life.
Two weeks ago a doctor offered me a three months assignment to be his estates manager at a wage of two hundred thousand Ugandan shillings per month and a daily allowance of one thousand shillings that gladly accepted.
Two days ago, though, during a lunch break I found myself looking back at my former job comparing my previous salary of over one million Ugandan shillings and the field allowance of fifty four thousand shillings each night spent in the field and my current pay. I found myself in a moment of self pity that seemed to instantly draw out the hope and faith of a breakthrough in the not so distant future. Earlier in the day I had received a mail informing that a position that I had applied for in some big American Non-governmental organization had been filled, dashing my hopes of a better paying job sooner than later.
The effect of the self pity and the disappointment was a momentary loss of enthusiasm in my current assignment that if I had left to carry on was going to lead to depression. I realized that looking back at the good times was taking away my focus from what the current assignment could help me do e.g. bringing me in contact with various people other than the rural setting I was largely confining myself to.
Brooding over the past and forgetting to be thankful for what I already have was quickly stealing away not only my joy but also my dreams. It is no wonder that somebody said that pain is inevitable but misery is a choice. I choose to be happy.
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